Mists of Darkness

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this while waiting for a heavy fog to clear on the route this morning, so pardon any typo's. Also, this post is not meant to instill ANY kind of sympathetic response. I do not mean for this to come across as pouting about "hardships", if this is the least of my problems I should consider myself lucky. So many other people have much more serious problems. So here it is.

I am parked on top of the Ammon hill, stumbling in my typing on this
keyboard clearly designed for smaller fingers. I will put up with this
frustration to share a great experience with you.

I am not one to complain or whine, I like to think I take after my
father who exhibits quiet strength and humility. In this last month I
have struggled. My grades are good and I enjoy learning but the trade
off of listening to Weston pounding on my bedroom door to come play as
I ignore him to study is heartbraking. It is my love for my son that
drives me to go to bed a 6 and get up at 1 AM for work.

My sales on the route have been horrible. Not bad enough for us to
need welfare or anything of that nature, but the plans that we had to
expand our family have been put on hold. Kelly is contributing to our
financial efforts first by starting a babysitting job during the day
and then has picked up a couple of shifts watressing on the weekends.
I have no problem with her working, I just know what she wants and
what the Lord wants her to do. She should be a mother. She is such a
fantastic mother. I find happiness in Kelly's happiness and it hurts
that she has wait due to my lacking sales.

I completely understand that my sales are not a reflection of my service but rather
circumstances out of my control. Regardless of me understanding this,
I am a winner, losing is not in my DNA and I see all of these
circumstances as adversity winning. It does not sit well with me.
In 1 Nephi 8:23 describes the mist of darkness. I always assumed it
was like sitting in a dark room until this morning. Parked on the side
of the road right now I see no more than 2 feet ahead of me. I am
parked in front of a house with a number of spotlights they leave on during the night, which I know are there but cannot see. Delivering milk in these conditions is difficult and often dangerous.

This is the thickest fog I have ever seen . It is with this fog that I
have found the silver lining in my current circumstances. Those that
wander without the rod in the mists of darkness are not all that
different from those holding to the rod. They are looking for
happiness and there journey will be hard just like those holding to
the rod. The difference is not the rod, but rather the reward. The
tree of life is more than just the big things like our second child,
my graduation or a family vacation. Getting home today and having the
chance to hold Weston, kiss my wife, shower, drive to class with a
fantastic professor are part of the tree. Those away from the rod seek
for good things but they are things that have a short shelf life.
Cars, sex, popularity in the eyes of peers are examples. Seeking for
these things is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you work to
share them with those that will benefit from them. Being lost in the
mists of darkness is being lost in your own ego. I now know that I do
not fall in this group. At times I have been in this group and felt
entitled to be due to what I perceived was a great sacrifice. No level
of sacrifice leads to entitlement. The Savior still gave all the glory
to His Father after His death on the cross. No one is entitled to
anything beyond what their effort warrants them. The rewards for my
efforts are coming, it will just happen on a different time table than
my own.

There are only inches between being either a hero or has-been. I
choose hero today and everyday. Not because I need it, but because my
family does from me as much as I need it from them.