Dandelions Suck

I am not someone that is easily grossed out. Blood doesn't bother me, weird food doesn't bother me and because of my work, horrible smells (rancid milk) doesn't bother me. Why is it that dandelions bother me?

I hate dandelions. I still am not quite sure why. Is it from my time as a child when my mom would pay me a penny for every dandelion that I pulled? I don't think so, as a kid I thought that was fun. As an adult I think that was a violation of child labor laws. I really can't think of anything from my past that would make me hate dandelions.

When I say I hate dandelions, I mean I DESPISE dandelions. Multiple times a year I will talk about the "war against weeds" on my Facebook page. It really is a war. When I mow my lawn each week I keep my weed spade in my pocket and watch closely for any dandelions that I might run over. If I see one, I turn off the mower and pull it from the ground. I spend at least an extra 20 minutes mowing my lawn each week because of these stupid weeds. When the spring officially started I spent 4 hours or so on my hands and knees pulling out the weeds. After I had pulled them out, I shot a spray of Weed-B-Gone into the crevice left from the pulled weed. I was going totally crazy.

Ultimately I see my yard as a direct reflection on myself as a man. I don't hunt and I don't camp and I don't work on my own cars (in fact, I hate all of these things). I enjoy cooking and reading. My obsession over my lawn is an attempt to justify my lack of manly hobbies beyond eating pizza and obsessing over sports. Dandelions symbolize being lazy, being neglectful of your manhood.

Last night I was spreading some grass seed on a newly salvaged area of my lawn. I spread the new seed very carefully and used two small pieces of ply-wood to gently press the seed into the dirt so the wind wouldn't blow it away. While I did this monotonous task I didn't think about the neighborhood cats that walk through my yard and might misplace seed. I didn't think about the birds that might discover the seed and eat it all before it had time to grow. The only thought I had was "Those stupid dandelions had better stay our of my new grass".